Dying to shop at Walmart

For many years, my mother, bless her heart, has instructed my brother and me on exactly what we’re supposed to do when she’s no longer with us.

She has explicit instructions on what we’re to do with her body and about who in the family inherits her earthly possessions. It’s not that she’s being ghoulish. She’s just an organized, practical person and she doesn’t want Marvin and me to have any issues to worry about after she’s dead.

That hasn’t stopped us from teasing her about her afterlife plans, though. After all, we remind her, she’s going to be dead.

“We can put you in a pine box and bury you in the back yard,” we say. “What can you do about it? You’re dead.”

“I can come back and haunt you,” she reminds us.

Now, thanks to two separate news stories I read this week, we have new and improved ways to tease her.

“We can put you in a casket from Walmart and bury you in the same grave with someone you never really liked,” we can say.

Perhaps you saw these news stories. The first said that Walmart is going go to start selling caskets. The second said England is running out of space to bury people and might need to reuse graves.

The Walmart news really didn’t shock me. Walmart wants to be your one-stop shopping experience for everything you need while you’re living, so, of course, they’d want to corner the market on your death, too.

The store has almost 30 models to choose from, and the lowestpriced model is just $999. I can see the commercial tagline now: “Save money. Live better. Die cheaper.”

But Marvin and I aren’t cheap. In fact, I’ve already got my eye on the “Mom Remembered Steel Casket.” It features a pink crepe interior with the word “Mother” embroidered where her head would be. It’s a steal at $1,399, and it’s certainly better than a pine box buried in the back yard, so what does she have to complain about?

The caskets are only going to be sold on the Walmart Web site, and they can be shipped directly to the funeral home of your choice within 48 hours, which shouldn’t be a problem for you because you’ve got nowhere to be.

I think it’s a good thing the caskets aren’t going to be available in stores. I don’t relish the idea of getting behind a guy in the 15-item or less express lane with a dozen eggs, a case of Budweiser and a Last Supper Steel Casket in his cart.

The second article said England, which has been burying people for thousands of years, is running out of space to put the newly dead and may have to consider burying people in the same grave with a stranger. It’s sort of the ultimate car pool to the afterlife.

The story said many European countries already reuse old graves after a couple of decades. They take the remains that are there, buried them deeper and put new remains on top, creating what is called a “double-decker” grave.

Many British citizens don’t like this idea, and I tend to agree with them. We consider our graves to be our final resting places. They’re sacred. And we don’t want them disturbed.

After all, we had plenty of people annoy us in life. We ought to be left alone in death.

Then again, consider the bright side. You may have to share your grave with someone who died decades ago. But you can do it in a guaranteed low-price coffin.

Of course, a Walmart casket isn’t really in my mother’s plans, and I certainly understand that. When my time comes, I don’t want to be put in the cheapest casket my surviving family can get their hands on.

On the other hand, the pine box in the back yard really won’t bother me, either.

I’ll be dead.

Mitch Clarke is executive editor of The Times in Gainesville, Ga. He can be reached at mclarke@ gainesvilletimes. com.