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Trouble beneath the sheets
This is a shocker for those who thought the Klan was a like-minded bunch of crossburning morons. Apparently, the Klan is attempting to appeal to a wider range of idiots. As a result, there is now a Klan for every mindset, including the two groups who clashed in Cullman. First, let's introduce the players in this sordid saga. The local group is the Alabama Ku Klux Klan. This bunch of sheet-heads is an offshoot of the national Ku Klux Klan, LLC. The other group's name is (get ready) ... the Alabama Realm of the Church of the National Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, Inc. For brevity's sake, we will hereafter refer to the Alabama group as the Bama Bubba Klan and the national group as the Bama Realm Klan. The two groups just squared off over a Nov. 10 Cullman protest by the Bama Realm Klan. Dan Quinn, Alabama Grand Dragon of the Bama Realm Klan, said the protest was being called to "...speak out against the invasion of our beautiful state by the illegal immigrants and their impact on our societies." This burned up the Bama Bubbas, who immediately objected. Here's where things got interesting. Most folks probably thought the Bama Bubbas were mad because they saw the Bama Realm's antiimmigration rally as an attempt to dilute the Klan's historically single-minded hatred of black people. That wasn't it at all, according to Bama Bubba spokes-lizard Ken Mier, who slammed the Bama Realm Klan, saying: "We are opposed to the ignorance and stupidity as displayed by the individuals that thumbed their nose at the area churches by continuing to use racial slurs, threats and avoided Christian deportment." It got better when Mier added, "There are many differences between our organizations that can obviously be noticed. We are the real Klan and descendants of the original non-violent Klans-people." Well, that explains it. The Bama Bubbas are the "nonviolent" Klansmen, the topsecret, whispered-about bunch who spent the '60s wearing tie-dyed sheets, attending Joan Baez concerts and donning blackface makeup to handle security for Martin Luther King and his followers. These days, they're out to protect the world from bad public manners and unsettled immigration policy. Or something like that. Either way, it sure would have been fun to hear the kinder, gentler Bama Bubbas plan their protest of the Bama Realm Klan ... "But, Brother Virgil, them Bama Realmers is aiming to ridicule them poor hard-working Mexicans. And I hear tell they might even cuss in public. We can't hardly have that. We done too much to mend our fences. Besides, an anti-immigration rally might put a kink in the potluck taco dinner we had planned for next Cinco de Mayo. And I've already joined a local mariachi band. We're working up a medley of "Dixie" and "La Cucaracha." "Fear not, Brother Elvin. I used to hate as much as any man, but those days are gone. Fact is, I spoke to a black guy the other day and didn't even get the chills like I used to. I'm proud to lead the new nonviolent Bama Bubba Klan to a brighter, whiter world." Mercifully, the Cullman protest went off with no fatalities or major injuries reported. But the story may not be over yet.
According to totally unreliable sources, as soon as word of the feud erupted, CNN dispatched Anderson Cooper to Alabama to determine how the Klan rift was caused by global warming. Cooper will present his results in an upcoming segment of CNN's "Planet in Peril" series.
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