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Other Voices
Apparently, some people think Thompson's presidential hopes will get an unfair boost if people are allowed to watch him portray likable New York District Attorney Arthur Branch every night on TV. They think TNT should pull the episodes featuring Thompson - there are hundreds of others they can show - much the same way stations pulled "Bedtime for Bonzo" when Ronald Reagan was running for president and "Kindergarten Cop" when Schwarzenegger ran for governor of California. I disagree. I like the character of Arthur Branch, and I suspect that if he were a real person, he probably would make a fine president. But just because he plays a great character doesn't mean the actor is qualified to be president. And I don't yet know enough about Thompson to know how he might fare in the White House. I think most of us are smart enough to distinguish between the real person and the character they play. There are plenty of great characters in television history, but I'm not sure we'd want them as president. On the other hand, just think about the possibilities if we seriously were to elect TV characters to the highest office in the land: • Howard Sprague. He was the county clerk in Mayberry, so he's already got governmental experience. And he sounded very intelligent in that debate with Aunt Bee when they ran against each other for the town council. He seems to be conservative, always wearing a bow tie. He lives with his mother and doesn't have many dates, so it's unlikely there would be an embarrassing sex scandal. On the other hand, Howard always looked too much like Bert from "Sesame Street." Or is it Ernie? That frightens me little. • Fred G. Sanford. And the G stands for "Gonna cut your taxes." • Marshal Matt Dillon. He's a strong, no-nonsense lawman, and with all the trouble we've got with Osama bin Laden, wouldn't it be nice to have someone like him in office? He could name Festus his Secretary of State. "He's just a mean ol' cuss, Marshal," Festus would say of Osama. "He's a hair trigger varmint just meaner than a four-headed rattlesnake." • Mr. Haney from "Green Acres." Yes, he's a little sneaky, a bit of a shyster. You can't trust anything he says. Which makes him perfect fit, considering some of the characters we've got in Washington right now. • Jessica Fletcher. As the heroine of "Murder, She Wrote," Jessica always seemed smart, articulate and well-mannered, and her ability to quickly process complex facts would be an asset in what has to be the world's most stressful job. On the other hand, did you ever notice that everywhere she went, from her home in Cabot Cove to locations all over the world, someone died? She was always butting into the police investigation and the killer she'd identify was never their prime suspect. Frankly, I'd stay away from Jessica. If you ask me, she's a serial killer who's been framing folks all these years. • Tony Soprano. He'd make the Iranians an offer they couldn't refuse. • Samantha Stevens. We'd get our first woman president and, as an added advantage, she can correct her errors with a twitch of her nose. Of course, she'd have to divorce Darrin. He never liked Sam using her witchcraft, which I always thought made him one of the dumbest characters in TV history. This fool's married to a beautiful blonde woman who, simply by twitching her nose, could give him wealth, power and immortality. But no, he'd rather do things the mundane, mortal way. No wonder Endora changed him into an old toad. • Barney Fife. Sure, he's not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but he's a stern taskmaster. At the first sign of trouble with Congress, he'd nip it in the bud. I can hear him now, telling his vice president, Ernest T. Bass, "You go read any book you want on the subject of politics and you'll find every one of them is in favor of bud-nipping." - Josiah Bartlett. He's the president from "The West Wing." If we're going to elect TV characters as president, let's at least get one who already knows how to do the job.
He could start every speech by saying, "I'm not the president. But I played one on TV."
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