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Hollywood, are you listening?
But not all movie buffs are happy. They say Hollywood's out of original ideas. They want something fresh and new. The good news is, there are plenty of ideas out there. And in case Hollywood's scriptwriters have forgotten, you can't go wrong with animals. Not the "Lassie" and "Old Yeller" type movies. Warm, fuzzy flicks don't always pay off. But Hollywood has proved time and time again that you can't miss with fearsome beasts. "Jaws" may be the best example of scaring moviegoers out of their wits, but from "Godzilla" to "King Kong" to "Anaconda," scary critters always send audiences running straight to the box office. And ideas for scary animal movies aren't in short supply. In fact, right now, they're in the news. Which is why I'm thinking of pitching a new flick called "The Squirrel Who Spied On Me." Don't laugh. In the past, squirrels have not generally been associated with espionage, but that's changed. Thanks go to the war in Iraq and those wacky nextdoor Iranians whose latest antics have animals rights folks up in arms about rodent abuse. Recent news reports say Iranian cops just arrested 14 squirrels (no kidding) and charged them with spying. The Iranians claimed the squirrels were found near the Iraqi border. The creatures were said to have been equipped with "eavesdropping devices." The devices weren't described, so it's not known if the squirrels were toting Sony video cams or Panasonic audio recorders. There is no word on where the squirrel jail is located or if the Red Cross has been allowed to visit the incarcerated rodents and check on their condition. To their credit, Iranians didn't blame the evil western media for spouting distortions and lies. The distortions and lies (and quotes) were supplied by the Islamic Republic News Agency. When the story surfaced, the Iranian national police chief said, "I have heard about it, but I do not have precise information." British Sky news was a little more blunt, quoting one official as saying, "The story is nuts." Maybe so, but as a fan of Secret Squirrel, I'm not surprised. As bad as spying squirrels may be, though, another animal in metro Iraq/Iran may be a bigger problem. How'd you like to be attacked by a killer badger? According to several news sources - some reliable - British forces have terrorized the Iraqi town of Basra by turning loose a herd of what have been described (by me) as "vicious, bloodcurdling, man-eating, mammalian death machines." After the first animals were sighted and panic swept the streets, a British military spokesman insisted he and his mates had not attempted badger-cide on Iraqi civilians. Major Mike Shearer said, "We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area. They are known locally as Al-Girta. Talk that this animal was brought by the British forces is incorrect and unscientific." The director of a Basra veterinary hospital, Mushtaq Abdul-Mahdi, said the beasts were actually garden variety honey badgers, probably forced into the area by recent flooding. At least one Iraqi woman isn't convinced. Suad Hassan, a Basra housewife, said she had been terrorized by the mystery mammal. "My husband hurried to shoot it, but it was as swift as a deer," Hassan said. "It is the size of a dog, but his head is like a monkey." Size of a dog? Swift as a deer? Head like a monkey? Hollywood, are you listening?
How about a flick where a flock of badger-beasts eat Paris Hilton? I'd pay extra to see that one.
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