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Alex McRae
Now some folks at the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service say the shoe is on the other foot. Or fin, to be precise. This time, it isn't the fishermen who are accused of taking drugs ... it's the fish. Apparently, humans are dumping expired or unused prescription drugs into the nation's toilets at an alarming rate. The drugs, much like the fish in "Finding Nemo," eventually work their way through the sewer systems and into creeks, rivers and lakes the fish call home. The drugged fish are then caught by humans and either eaten or sold to county fair freak shows. The problem was recently reported by Tennessean. com. The article quoted Sam D. Hamilton, Southeastern Regional Director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, as saying, "Medications that are flushed down the toilet or thrown straight into the garbage can and do find their way into our nation's waterways every day. Those drugs are present in water that supports many species of fish and other wildlife. We are concerned about reports of fish abnormalities possibly caused by improperly disposed prescription medications." Since I don't like to make dumb comments about an even dumber-sounding news story without making sure it is true, I did some follow-up research. The Internet wasn't much help, but I did get some information from a guy at a bait shop just outside Nashville. He refused to give his name, citing potential "lawyer mess," but confirmed that malformed fish are popping up all over Tennessee. "Had a guy in here last week who pulled in a largemouth bass the size of Al Gore," the unidentified bait shop man told me. "They had to weigh that thing on a livestock scale." Other stories of fouled fish were even more grim. The bait shop owner said a regular beer and bait customer reported catching a 37-pound bream that was a dead ringer for expired rocker Jimi Hendrix. "The fish had tie-dyed scales and it was humming 'Purple Haze,'" the bait man told me. The bait shop owner said he'd heard about fish leaving the water and trying to hitchhike to San Francisco, where the water has been full of drugs since 1967. "Man, when you see a fish go bad like that, it breaks your heart," bait shop guy said. "They're just fish. They don't know any better. It's not their fault. Those dope-flushers who ruined our fish ought to get the chair. Or whatever they're using these days." Thankfully, the same people who reported the fouled fish say there is a fix. Unfortunately, one of the solutions sounds worse than the problem. Well-meaning folks at the Fish and Wildlife Service joined their pals at the American Pharmacists Association and created some guidelines for keeping fish drug-free. This is recommendation number two, exactly as written: "2. When tossing unused medications, crush solid medications or dissolve them in water - this applies for liquid medications as well - and mix with kitty litter or sawdust or any material that absorbs the dissolved medication and makes it less appealing for pets or children to eat." Maybe it's just me, but mixing used drugs with kitty litter doesn't sound like the prescription for a better world. Sure, kitty litter makes most drugs less appetizing, but mixing kitty litter with anything usually diminishes the item's appeal.
If we're down to fighting the war on drugs with kitty litter, we might as well wave the white flag and call it quits. Then we can go fishing. Some lucky angler might snag the catfish equivalent of Janis Joplin.
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