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Alex McRae
My name is Alex McRae and I have a proposal of great interest to both y'all and me. It's time I joined you fine folks on an exciting journey through the hallowed halls of your esteemed institution of higher learning. Here's why... I have long admired your school mascot, the gopher, and to my knowledge have never killed one. Even by accident. Neither have any of the pets I have owned over the years. Which brings me to the point. Which is, awarding me an honorary doctoral degree in veterinary sciences. Frankly, the thought that a respected academic institution would award an honorary degree to someone totally ignorant of a particular field of study once seemed silly. But I noticed you folks are considering awarding an honorary degree to Al Gore for his work in climatology. I figured I'm as knowledgeable about animals as Gore is about weather. So I'm passing along my credentials. Like you care. Gore studied weather while attending law and divinity schools at Vanderbilt University. I studied animals while getting a music degree from Troy University, home of the world's finest college band, by the way. But I digress. If the fact that Gore has never touched a test tube doesn't matter to y'all, neither should the fact that I have never neutered a Newfoundland or spayed a Siamese. In considering the award to Gore, your school spokesman, Daniel Wolter, reportedly said, "He's in the news and is a legitimate expert on a pressing issue of global concern, climate change." Well, I'm not just in the news. I'm in an actual newspaper. I know as much about pets as Gore does the weather. And let's face it, from a PR standpoint, pets are way more popular than politicians, so awarding a degree to me would really make you folks look good. And not to brag, but despite my lack of formal training I once saved my cat, George, from certain death by dislodging a hairball the size of a hubcap. I didn't even use the Heimlich maneuver. I just imitated the next door Rottweiler. After a couple of bogus barks the cat was so scared he coughed up that hairball faster than you can say barf bag. The incident left George partly cross-eyed, but it saved his life. Surely that's worth some academic accolades. In addition to saving an actual animal's life, I have written several columns about removing pet hair from the home and treating feline mood disorders. I have also written extensively about the negative social consequences of hairballs, especially if Fluffy hacks up a huge one during a Junior League dinner party. In addition to cats I have owned a hamster, a baby alligator and several dogs, including one with three legs. I learned to coexist with my sisters' two parakeets and consoled a friend who lost a monkey in a tragic shopping mall accident. I watch Animal Planet and once wrote a musical jingle for a chain of pet stores that went out of business before mailing me a check. I think my credentials are crystal clear. And since you folks are offering degrees to anyone with a pulse, please don't pass me by. Let's be real. Global warming is still a theory. Hairballs are a cold, slimy, gross, disgusting fact. Honor my work, please. Don't do it for me. Do it ... for the animals.
Your friend, Alex
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